There are a few small changes in our language that have the potential to make a huge shift in how we show up in the world, to others and to ourselves. Here are five very powerful little language tweaks you can begin practicing today.

1. Scratch the word “but” from your daily language.

Whenever we use the word “but” in a sentence, the part of the sentence that comes before the “but” is completely disregarded by the hearer. That first part, however powerful or complimentary it may be, completely loses its power with the addition of the “but”. Consider the following statements: (I’ve placed the possible interpretation – what the hearer is possibly “hearing” in brackets.)

I know you are busy right now, but I need your help with this project. [whatever you are busy with is not as important as what I need]

I’d love to go with you, but I need to work on my paper. [I’d rather work on my paper]

Your new haircut is cute, but I like your hair long. [I liked your hair better when it was long]

Can you see how the acknowledgments at the beginning of each sentence lost some steam as they got placed behind the “but”?

Now look at what happens when we say the same statements and replace the “but” with “and”.

I know you are busy right now, and I need your help with this project.

I’d love to go with you, and I need to work on my paper.

Your new haircut is cute, and I like your hair long.

The use of “and” instead of “but” allows each statement to remain true, even if they are conflicting, without giving more power to the second statement. This, in turn, avoids or lessens defensiveness on the part of the hearer, who will be more apt to hear both statements with equal clarity.

2. Ditch the “I have to…”

How many times today have you used the phrase, “have to”? Do you start your day by making a “to-do” list that begins with the question “what do I have to do today?”

When someone asks about your day do you answer with, “today I ‘have to’ go shopping”, or “today I ‘have to’ go to work.”

I remember a time when my friends and I had a weekly meeting in the afternoon and upon finishing I would usually be on my way home to cook dinner for my family. I would often say, “Well, I had better get going, it is getting late and I have to cook dinner.” This was one of the first statements I changed, because the truth was, I was choosing to cook dinner for a number of reasons. It was more economical than eating out, it was healthier than take out, I valued sitting down with my family to a nice home cooked meal, and I truly did enjoy cooking. So, realizing that it was my choice to cook (as opposed to getting takeout, or going to a restaurant, etc.) I changed my statement and instead of “I have to cook dinner”, I would just say something like, “I’ll see you all next week, I’m going home to cook dinner.”

I’ll be cooking dinner, I want to cook dinner, I have decided to cook dinner, I am choosing to cook dinner,etc. – all of these are possible statements that keep me in the place of being empowered, and the truth is, I really like to cook! I realized that the energy I had around cooking dinner changed with my statement, and the way other people reacted to my statement changed too. I noticed that when I said I “had to go cook dinner” the reactions almost seemed sympathetic but when I began to say that I had decided to cook dinner for my family that night the reactions were more joyful.

It is a very empowering thing to accept responsibility for our actions and to realize that we always have a choice.

For instance, the next time someone invites you to do something when you aren’t available, instead of saying something like, ‘I have to work that day’, try something like, “I am working that day.”

Realize that we always have a choice. Knowing that I am choosing to work (because I want to keep my job, want to keep getting paid, want to keep up with my workflow, etc.) is empowering. Using empowering language sends a message to our subconscious mind that we are the ones in control of our life!

3. Drop the “shoulds.” There are no shoulds.

This is a language tweak that has the potential to change your perspective in a really big way. Ever since I can remember people (parents, teachers, advertisers, society at large, religious leaders) have been telling us we “should” do this or do that – so it might be a challenge to adapt the idea that “there are no ‘shoulds’. However, it’s less of a challenge to drop the word, and thereby at least partially dropping the concept.

Dropping this one is akin to dropping the “I have to”. Instead of verbalizing that you “should” do a certain thing – take a moment to figure out why you want to do it, and then let that be your inspiration for doing it instead. Doing something because you want to do it feels so much better than doing something because you think you should.

4. Lose the “that makes me so… [fill in the blank with emotion of your choice].”

I once was a substitute teacher for a class of 3rd graders. We were sitting around a small table and playing a language learning game. The children were playing nicely and pretty much behaving well until suddenly a little girl and a little boy started playing tug of war with a plastic game piece. The little girl yelled, “Hey! Stop it!” as the little boy tried to pull the game piece out of her hand. I addressed him by name and asked him to please give the item back to her, as she did have it first. The little boy was suddenly very angry and shouted, “OOOOHHHH!!!! SHE MAKES ME SO MAD!” Calmly I said to him, “No, I have to tell you that she does not make you mad. You have chosen to be mad. No one can make you mad. Only you get to decide that.”

Suddenly the class was very quiet and the little boy was staring at me with a look of complete surprise, certainly, this was a new idea to him!

I often hear people explain that someone or something “makes” them angry. Or happy. Or sad.

The truth is that our thoughts about those people, situations, or events are what “make” us feel a certain way. And our thoughts are our choice. We can make the choice to think differently about any given situation or thing. We can start by asking ourselves some empowering questions, such as, “What’s good about this?” or “How could I look at this differently?”

Your thoughts, feelings, and emotions are your responsibility. In fact, that is really what responsibility is, the ability to respond. You have the power to be at choice in how you respond to any given person, thing, or event.

I’ve often stopped myself from sending a text message to my spouse, beginning to type “You make me so happy!” and consciously changing it to “I feel so happy when I’m with you!” It might not seem like that big of a deal and yet I know better than to put the responsibility for my happiness on someone else. It’s not his job to “make me happy.” When we choose the perspective that someone or something makes us happy, (or mad or sad or any other emotion), we’ve just given our power away.

Certainly, every single feeling and emotion we experience is valid and useful information. So feel what you feel, just be willing to take ownership of your feelings. “I feel sad when I see this” is more empowering than “This makes me feel sad.”

5. Sorry, not sorry.

This is a tricky one! Many of us grew up being commanded to “Say you’re sorry!” anytime there was a chance that someone else’s discomfort was because of something we did or said – and I’m okay with apologizing when it’s appropriate – however, the words “I’m sorry” are uttered way more often than need be – especially by women. No wonder we often feel like we’re carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders – every time something doesn’t go perfectly right we apologize, as if we alone hold the power to bring perfection at every turn. Our “I am” statements are powerful magic, because our life experience is directly connected to our sense of identity. Tagging yourself “sorry” day after day is less than empowering.

Here’s a simple rule, and a remedy…

First, the rule: only say you’re sorry if the situation is something you feel sorrowful about. Certainly telling a grieving person that you are sorry for their loss is appropriate. If you feel sad about it, then “I’m sorry” is most likely a true statement and not just an automatic platitude. Otherwise, there’s usually a better, more thoughtful statement if we’ll just take the time to craft one.

The remedy for the times that “sorrow” doesn’t fit the bill, for all of the other non-sorrowful times that you are tempted to say you’re sorry – is to turn the situation around until you have a better statement, preferably one focused on the person being affected instead of focused on you being “sorry.”

For instance, instead of “I’m sorry I’m late, there was so much traffic”, how about “The traffic is awful this morning, thank you for your patience.” Instead of a disempowering statement about yourself, you’re appreciating the person who has been waiting for you. Appreciation is a much better vibe.

If someone is complaining about something that you have the power to change then, by all means, let them know you’re working on it. If you don’t have the power to change the situation let them know you’re concerned and ask for a suggestion about what you could do to help them feel better. Chances are an apology won’t be what they’re looking for, most of the time people just want a different result.

Keep in mind that although these changes deal with small words, changing our verbal habits can take a lot of practice. The words we say become ingrained in us and are so habitual that at first, it may seem like a losing battle. Give yourself permission to make mistakes, knowing that even the awareness of a “slip” is progress! Keep practicing until the new words become your default mode.

Not only are these types of responses more empowering to the one speaking them (let’s face it, “I’m sorry” is anything but empowering!), these better phrasings feel more empowering to the listener, too.

Empowerment comes from within; being empowered is your choice. Our thoughts create our stories, and our stories create our experience. The language we use plays a big part in how empowered we feel and in turn how we experience life.

Cindie Chavez ©2018 – this post originally posted at Confluence Daily